sad eyed lady of the lowlands.

i am very sad right now. i would really like to cry, and i have the knot in my stomach/throat and everything, but i just can't do it. i even tried to make myself break down. i guess it's just very internal. i'm sure things will get a lot worse soon. i feel like my entire life is unraveling. i have become extremely promiscuous, and while i'm taking necessary precautions, it does not feel good to know that you're behaving like a total whore. sometimes i fuck guys, and i honestly feel as though i could be completely content with never exchanging another word with them for the rest of my life. i actually feel that way about most people--even people i was once very close with. i have felt an extreme desparation for complete isolation. but i know that would just drive me even crazier than i already feel. crazy and desparate. so
f uck
ing desparate.

i got really scared yesterday, and it was over something completely pathetic. that kid that i mentioned in the entry before this one, the one that i like, didn't call me or text me or anything yesterday. this normally wouldn't upset me or offend me in the least, but considering that we'd been talking every day for the last few weeks regularly, i assumed the worst. it turned out that everything is fine, and we're going to hang out tomorrow, but i just felt so fucking stupid for sleeping with him. i still do. i texted him and told him that i don't want him to not take me seriously because of what we did and because i actually like him, and he told me that he takes me very seriously and thinks that i am wonderful. he always gives me the nicest compliments. they don't seem contrived at all, and i like that.
the friend that josh [the one that i like] reminds me of is the friend that i wrote about awhile ago. the one that was involved in that crazy love triangle. i talked to him today and i came very close to telling him about how much josh reminds me of him. but i didn't because this one thing happened and i thought that it would be weird.
this is the thing that happened.
once my friend and i were on drugs.

and i told him that i compare every other guy to him.

and he told me that he knew that already.

and it was fine...

because it was just a fact and

we both knew it.

[he told me later that it was the best compliment he'd ever gotten.]

but i guess it's pretty obvious why i can't tell him how much josh reminds me of him. i don't want him to assume that i still like him and i am just using josh because he's as close as i can get to my friend. this seems pretty impossible to follow, so i'll stop.

but anyways. i really really really need a new fucking job. when i walk into work, especially when i'm high, i just look at everyone running around and cursing and bitching and freaking out and not really doing anything at all, and i am reminded of wild beasts running rampant. particularly baboons. or gorillas. they're all so fucking insane. working at that restaurant makes me a very bad person.

i am so lonely right now. i keep calling matt because i want him to make me feel good about myself, because i know he loves me. he's not answering his phone right now, but if i call him repeatedly he will. actually, i am periodically calling him as i type this. i will try again right now.

he didn't answer.

your friends, they come. [& the lines, they go by.]

i thought that my more than perfect visit home would delay my inevitably returning depression for a couple of weeks, at least, but i was unfortunately mistaken. jenn and i were talking about how sometimes, it feels good to be depressed. of course, we were drunk and sloppy and happy, and you can't even really remember what it feels like to be sad when you're in that sort of state. anyways, here's what i did over break with little or no punctuation:
the first night that i got home i hung out with my mom and my sisters and then i went to katie's house and got a lot drunk with katie and jenn and then we went to the ta and got some food and then we went back to katie's house and jenn and me slept in the dungeon and then the next day jenn and i hung out and went on a search for weed and went on a burn run and listened to cool music and drove an hour to denny's to get coffee and snacks and then i went home and the next day i took my little sisters to the shopping mall and out to eat and i yelled at a boy that was mean to my sister and it felt so fucking good to put that little prick in his place. and then i hung out with jenn again that night and i slept on her couch and we ate delicious snacks and watched the animal planet and mtv. in the morning we watched mtv again and saw an awkward girl named mary get MADE into a cheerleader. she said, "dad, you're embarrassing me in front of the cheerleaders!" then we went to the woods with jenn's dog jack and i set a bail of hay on fire so we ran away and then we got lost in the woods for several hours and it was dark and cold and we got all wet. then we finally found our way out of the woods using super sonic sweet skills and then i dropped jenn off and went to my house and watched gremlins. the next day jenn and i went to my ex-boyfriend's parents tattoo shop and got sweet lion tattoos together. then jenn took me out to dinner for christmas and then we smoked weed and then we went back to jenn's house and slept on her couch. then the next day my mom and i did some things like go out to eat and she bought me contacts as a christmas present because i was all out. then i went to hang out with jenn and we smoked weed and went to eppinger's and played some sweet tunes on the jukebox. the next day i went to church with my family and that was weird because i don't believe in god anymore but it made my mom happy that i went. then i went and saw my great grandma and then i went and saw my other grandma and then i went and picked up jenn and we went to edinboro and drank beers with dave the barbarian and then the next day we went back to grove city and picked up ed and went to berwick to celebrate new years at jenn's boyfriend mitch's house. there were eight people there, maybe a couple more and there were seven cases of beer and lots of liquor and champagne and by five am there was nothing left because we drank all of it. i also tried cola on new years with dominick and i thought it was lame and a waste of money even though i didn't have to pay for it because dominick did. dominick and me made out and things because it was new years after all. then the next day we all felt really shitty so we ate bagels and then jenn and me came back to my house and drank beer and watched kill bill and drank lots of tequila and had some boys over and decided to be warriors like uma thurman. we also spit on doing something super sweet this summer after bonnaroo involving the desert and a bar and cowboy dan and dancing and a video camera. the next day jenn and me watched the devil's rejects and it was so so so lame and we hated it and then i took jenn to meet her boyfriend mitch in allentown.

alright, i typed all of that in about 10 minutes, so cut a busy girl some slack. after i took jenn back to mitch, i hung out with this boy that i met. we watched television and kissed each other and had crazy shower sex and cuddled. he was really nice to me and he told me i am beautiful a lot. i think that he means it too. i like him a whole lot. he reminds me of someone else i know that i liked a whole lot. in fact, he reminds me of this other person so fucking much that it's unnerving. it's probably not a good thing, but i'm not very smart.
i went to see "i'm not here" with him last night. that bob dylan movie. it was really great. i came home and started downloading a shit load of bob dylan that i don't have, and i will be very excited when it's done.

christmas was kind of lame. i mean, it was very nice to see my family. i guess it wasn't lame. i'm just very glad that it's over.