each strand in your hair is really insect eyes.

I am so fucking tired right now. I got 2 hours of sleep last night due to my recent addiction to the internet, stress, and the noise floor from Jamie upstairs. I had to come to school and retake a test today at eight, (which I totally bombed..) and now it is nine and I have an hour until my next class. Sure, I have lots of things I should be doing right now, picking my goddamn classes for one, but none of that appeals to me as my motivation has seemingly left me almost entirely. I'm hoping that when I do pick classes, there won't be anything left for me to take and my dad will have no choice but to let me take a semester off. Wishful thinking, I know, but I'm getting desperate.
These last few days have been strange. There will be no more GOF in my life. He continued to invite himself over; he stole my roommate's Bombay, and he is just generally a waste of life. I have no idea how I was ever attracted to such a fucktard. I'm glad that he has been cut out.
My ex boyfriend from two years ago called me yesterday. He has turned into such an awful human being. After me, he dated a wanna-be SuicideGirl with the IQ of a fucking rock. That little bitch caused me a lot of problems, and now, a year and half after he cursed me out and stopped talking to me under her orders, they have broken up and he is ready to be my friend. Yeah no. I miss his parents, and that's about it. They helped me out a lot in my rebellious teenage years.
I drank with my roommate, her boyfriend, and Matt the other night. We played Asshole and Kings and Fuck the Dealer and got super shitty. And then Matt started bitching at me about how cruel I am. He doesn't have to hang out with me. We are broken up. He caused a scene in front of my friends and essentially ruined my evening because he got drunk and disorderly and started screaming at me. I, of course, was wasted beyond belief and sat there and cried so he would shut up. I wasn't even crying about him. I was crying because I miss Jenn, and I was thinking about how I shouldn't have to deal with shit like this alone. Little did he know. He tries to guilt trip me into letting him come over because he still lives with his family and his brother has commandeered his bed. Fucking grow a set, and tell your goddamn brother to get off of your goddamn bed. I really wish everyone would just leave me the fuck alone.
Speaking of which. Family dinners with my dad usually end in screaming matches, and the one last night was no different. My dad got all pissed off about how I only tell him "superficial bullshit," which is true, but I don't know what else to tell him. He hates how private I am, and has decided that I don't tell him things about my life because I'm all fucked up on god knows what. He thinks that my idea to take a semester off is completely insane, and screamed and swore at me about how selfish I am for awhile. I decided to leave, so he followed me to my car, still screaming. I finally flipped the fuck out and started going crazy and swearing and crying and then he felt bad and told me he was going to find me a psychiatrist. My family is very functional.

In other news. I've decided that I hate being lonely, and that factor makes it more likely for me to make poor choices regarding men etc. Is it wrong for me to have standards? It's not that I feel like most of the people I date or end up in relationships with aren't good enough for me. I just want something different. I want a guy who is comfortable with taking things slow. I want someone who is intelligent, likes good music, and can teach me things. I have yet to meet someone, besides 2 of my best male friends, who can talk to me about something interesting and hold my attention for more than five minutes at a time. Usually, a guy will come over to my house, and I'll talk for hours on end. I like it at first, because they really dig what I'm saying, but then I realize that they are incapable of thinking shit up on their own and I will be nothing but a teacher in the relationship, should I pursue one. It is so fucking frustrating.
And that is why I have been known to put up Craigslist postings, and I have even joined OKcupid, the net's most outrageous dating site ever. Never have I seen so many idiots communed in one place; besides San Francisco. I just want to meet someone who fucking blows me away. Somehow, someday.

Speaking of San Fran: it blew. As I've said to some people already, the people on the west coast simply are not real people. Now, my definition on what makes a real person is pretty lax; in order to be real, you must have some sense of identity and you must not be mentally insane. you also must have more motivators in life besides money. One might be surprised at how many people in San Fran are lacking in all of these qualities. However, my time with Jenn was amazing. We killed 3 bottles of Jose Cuervo in the 5 days I was there, on top of the several cases of beer and bottle of Bacardi. We went to a party, where oddly enough, a bunch of kids from my hometown in western Pennsylvania were hanging out. (oh my god this awful whore is sitting next to me in the computer lab chewing her chips like a fucking cow and i'm going to vomit.) We went to Haight-Ashbury; I bought some sweet shit; we went to the beach and I saw the Pacific Ocean for the first time. Oh, we weren't exactly allowed on the beach, just the rocks. Which are on the beach. (like, big boulder type rocks.) Someone wrecked an oil carrier boat into the fucking GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. How fucking embarrassing is that. How do you even do that? WTF. But yeah, that was fun. Jenn and I drove around like old times and listened to sweet music and screamed at the top of lungs together due to our several separate frustrations. (anditfeltsofuckinggood.) Oh shit. I had to go to the hospital on Thanksgiving morning because Jenn's glass shower door slid off of the track and shattered on my poor naked body. That was pretty goddamn awkward. My finger somehow got sliced open to the bone, so I had to get stitches. Jenn's boyfriend took me. It didn't really hurt, and I even took some pictures. Lmao. I was sad to leave Jenn, because we had a shitload of fun, but I'll see her soon.

I cannot wait to go home and see all of my friends. They all live all over the country, so Christmas is going to be extra amazing this year. With Jenn and San Fran, and Mike in North Carolina, I have had no desire to go home at all. I mean, I suppose I should go see my family, but it's hard to make a six hour trip somewhere when I'll only be there for two days in order to see less than five people. Mike is sending me underwear in the mail. I have no idea what is possessing him to do this; all I know is that I got a text the other day asking me for my underwear size and my address. I'm slightly freaked out. They better be fucking adorable.

Alright, I need to go drink some energy drinks and get ready for my goddamn day to start. School from 8-3:30 and work from 4-11 on two hours of sleep? That's outrageous.

I'm gonna die of loneliness.

I fucking hate school. I don't just have anxiety when it comes to my classes, and I don't have trouble getting up. I love to learn things, and I love to be around people. (for the most part, lmao.) I've been to two community colleges and now I go to a state school in Pennsylvania and I honestly detest every second of it. The teachers could not care less about the students, and I haven't taken one thing from any of my classes. This depresses me. I have been lucky enough to have several excellent professors in the community colleges that have taught me so much, and I reference things that I've learned from them on a regular basis. Philosophy, British Literature, Psychology, Modern Drama, Speech, American Literature, World Religions...all amazing subjects with amazing instructors. Now this is not to say that I actually expect my math class to be anything more than tolerable, but I'm taking anthropology and music and education right now. All for nothing, it seems. Would it be too much to ask for one invigorating class per semester? I honestly have no motivation to get up in the morning and make the 40 minute drive to my bland college to do bland things and be surrounded by bland people. Sooo...that's why I've been thinking about transferring. Again. GOF actually took me to his school for a little while and not only was the campus fucking beautiful, the people were very sociable and nice right away. And I don't even go there. (yet, hopefully.) It was so refreshing to hear people that I feel as though I actually may have potential to get along with rave about how awesome their profs are. So yeah. A possible change in my educational future is in order.
Last night was a bad night. Matt showed up out of the blue, and we hung out for a little while. I miss him so much. I wish I could just tell him that we're okay, and that we'll be fine, and we'll get married and live happily ever after, but I am so unsure about how I want my life to be right now. GOF does not even compare to Matt. That's why when Matt left, and GOF showed up like 15 minutes later, (oh my god that would have been so fucking awkward...) I felt like a fool. I make a really great, caring person leave my house so the GOD OF FUCK can hang out with me. Jesus Christ, I get more despicable every day. But, karma's a bitch. GOF snores so. fucking. loud. And it drives me INSANEEEEEE. I literally cannot sleep when it sounds like there is a very loud, obnoxious 16 wheeler laying in my bed right next to me. Besides that, he hasn't gotten me off twice in a row. What good is the GOfuck if he can't even give me an orgasm? And besides THAT, he's starting to get way too attached. I totally called it. My upstairs housemate, Jamie and him have been kind of on the rocks, because I met GOF through Jamie, and GOF is pissed that Jamie was telling me about GOF's reputation. Drama, drama, drama. Sisters before misters. Remember that.
Speaking of Jamie... that night that GOF and I were supposed to hang out ended up with Jamie and I watching Natural Born Killers and getting way more high than is ever necessary. That movie freaked me the fuck out. The night after that, we had a little party. There were only like 5 people there besides Jamie and me...and they were all guys from my work. As is custom at my shindigs, a guy that I've worked with for over a year (during which time I have hated him immensely) tried to sleep in my bed with me and things. Ew. I tried a jagerbomb (sp?) for the first time and ended up wasted. Then, two hours later, we all got super blazed and went to the mandatory server meeting at my work. Have any of you ever seen the movie Waiting? It's the one about the restaurant. Super hilarious. ANYWAYS. That's what my restaurant is like. There is never a dull day; that's for sure.
I drew a nice picture last night of a tree. The backround was psychedelic colors. I like it a lot. While I was drawing it, I decided on a tattoo that I'm going to get today after I get out of this hellhole. It actually has nothing to do with trees at all, haha. I just actually want 3 lines that go around my arm. They need to be very thin, and there will be a red one in the middle, and two black ones on either side of the red. I will take a picture when I get it.
Listen to Devendra Banhart.
peace!

You're a beautiful boy, a sweet little kid--but I am a woman.

"Take it Easy (Love Nothing" is a great song to listen to when you're engaging in a strictly fucktacular relationship. I don't care if Conor Oberst is a whiny little bitch; I totally love and respect him as he is a lyrical genius.
But yeah. Two posts in one night, and it's a fucking Friday. I never have Friday nights off from work, so I'm not really sure of what goes on during them. I haven't really had any desire to call anyone or anything. I went and got my nails done and now I'm back on the couch, surfing the internet and doing nothing. That aforementioned phone call I was thinking about making to GOF isn't going to happen, because going back to having someone in my fucking room day after day is what made me crazy in the first place. (Thus one of the reasons for the break up with Matt.) Not to mention, I really don't want to ever be calling him. Though it's hard to tell if he genuinely likes me, which he swears he does, he definitely sucks at making plans. I'm not sure if he cancels on me because he found another, more accessible girl to bang, or if the excuses he gives me are legit. I really don't give a fuck either way to be honest, lmao.
Oh yeah. I guess I kind of forgot to recap on my spooktacular Halloween extravaganza. To make a long story short, GOF was following me around from the second he walked in the door. He just loved my torquoise eye makeup and my little black dress. haha. It was mostly men at the party, and they all seemed to like talking to me a lot. GOF wasn't pleased, and he was even less pleased at how every one of his discreet, "let's go have a cigarette and talk" lines was thwarted by lots of enthusiastic smokers who were eager to offer themselves as company. No one really knew at this point that we had hooked up before, and that we had been talking outside of the parties, and I really had no intentions of telling them, hah. I really don't need to be viewed as "Jimmy's girl" right now; I am an independent, single woman who wants nothing better than to live a carefree, reckless life for awhile before I actually have to grow up. But anyways, he ended up spending the night again, and things were good again, and in the morning things were GREAT...lmao, and we spent the day together running errands and laying in bed watching movies. Kind of fun, kind of weird. I need to not do that thing where I start hanging out with a guy, and before I know it, he's practically moved in. It's irritating as fuck to not be able to come home to your own house and watch shitty reality television all fucking night if that's your heart's desire. You get the boyfriend there and all he wants to do is bone and watch action movies. Yeah guys. That's fun for a day and then it gets old. He really enjoys telling me how different and "Chill" I am--how cool and collected I am, and what great tastes in music I have. Why is it that hunky guys with relatively decent personalites (even if lacking in other departments) only date the cliche Abercrombie girl who has the personality of a rock and even less invigorating conversational skills than one? I mean, I know "birds of a feather flock together" or whatever the fuck that corny saying is, but don't people want something more out of a relationship than the middle school game playing shit? I swear, I see more relationships between college students that make me want to laugh than is necessary. I wonder how they cannot see that what they have is not real, and is a waste of time? Fuck man. How awful for them.
I'm being pessimistic, and it's really unnecessary, haha. I bought all of those mood balancing vitamins; triple lecithin and St. John's Wart. I also got something that will help me sleep better, and vegetarian supplements. Hopefully getting my body and mind healthier will take some of the weight off of my shoulders and I'll be able to start getting shit done again. I haven't been doing anything that I need to do. I lag so much on everything from doing my laundry to taking my air conditioner out of my window to doing school work. I think the weed smoking adds a definant negative effect on my ability to function adequately, but I just like doing it too much, hah.
So, in other news. San Francisco in a couple of weeks! My best friend moved there a few months ago and this visit to her will be my first time ever in California. I cannot wait, though. I'm almost more excited to see her than to actually be in Cali. I've never been this long without seeing her and it's driving me a bit insane.
I'm pathetic. I need to do things. Like clean my room and the kitchen. Peace!

It's just an isolated incident.

Bad news, everyone. The God of Fuck has become endearing. How could I let this happen? I'm not in love with him and I never will be, but all of the things...well most of the things that he did that aggravated me, I know think are a little bit cute. Kind of. I mean, maybe I'm just used to it. But he's fucking hot. And he's a movie star, hah. He was a cadet in Annopolis and he was a football player(?) in Invincible. I mean, come on. And he helped me do my laundry, and washed some of my dishes. And went with to me GNC so I could buy all sorts of vitamins and things. I almost like, want to see him. Shit. All of those justifications I just made for him are oozing with insecurity and disbelief. Naw, fuck it. He's really, really good in the sack. And he's nice. Usually I have a few more requirements for a possible partner, but I'm no where near close to fucking trying to find a boyfriend. It's nice to way up to someone, even if he doesn't love you and you don't love him and you're both just kind of using each other for different reasons.
Anywho. I skipped math class again to go smoke pot with my friends. I don't really feel sad or anything because school had me so fucked up today and I wanted nothing better to do than get high and go home. I was up all last night doing work for school; studying for a huge music prelim, practicing and trying to memorize a 20 minute speech, writing three papers, and studying for that make up math test. So I go in to school, ready to give my speech and the fucking prof. doesn't even show up. Bullshit! So then I go take, and fail miserably, my music test. Then, in fucking education class I am so pissed off about all of the other annoying shit that's going on, and the professor (who I fucking detest) told us we have to wait for this guest speaker to come in. We wait for like 10 minutes and my class is so bad and everyone was trying just leave...it was ridiculous. So when this lady, our "guest speaker" comes in the door, the prof. just picks up her brief case and peaces out. So it turns out, this lady wasn't a guest speaker at all, but a teacher evaluation proctor. So we had to stay an extra 15 minutes in this class filling out the evaluation, and all I wanted to be doing was smoking weed. Needless to say, that prof. did NOT get very good ratings from me. (Shit, I just typed that whole story out how I would literally say it. Practically one breath. lmao.)
I think I might be too high to do this. Maybe I'll give GOF a call and I'll catch up later.