And everytime my telephone rings, well I'll be damned.

I did what I had to do and ended things with Josh. Jenn told me to just completely stop talking to him, and that's what I intended but unfortunately he started IMing me when I was drunk. I was going to give him one more chance because he promised to "make it up to me" that he missed my birthday party, and I was going to let him. He asked me if he could come over to my house on Friday night to have a glass of wine before he had to go home to Lancaster (which I think is complete bullshit) and I told him that he could. He's never been to my house before; I would always go to him. So we were talking and he sends me some link called "indie-sex..." and said "isn't that hot?" and I didn't click on it because I wanted him to come over because he wanted to see me and not because he wanted to fuck me and I knew where it was going if he was sending me links to porn. So I didn't say anything and he didn't say anything for about 20 minutes so I asked him if he was coming over and he said "I don't know, I'll probably fall asleep." So I just started going crazy on him and I told him what he does to me and how crazy he makes me and how manipulative he is and he said that he's not using me and he just doesn't know how to prove it and so I said "then come over here and tell me!" and he said he couldn't and that he didn't know what he was doing to me and I said "bullshit" and that was it. It's over now. I'm sad about it.
Yesterday, my neighbor Billy who has a dog named Lucy came to my house to tell me that whatever I was listening to last night around 11:00 p.m. was really amazing and he needed to know what it was. (Beirut.) Then I showed him my Modest Mouse/Built to Spill music DVDs and he really liked them and he told me that I talk like I'm writing a diary. Billy is 52 years old but he seems like he is in his early to mid thirties. We are friends now and I love his dog Lucy so much.
Liam came over last night and I feel very bad for him because he is in love with me (he told me so) and I just think of him as a friend and I take extra special care not to lead him on but I don't think it's working. We had fun regardless, though, and I made delicious drinks (sprite, malibu, calico jack, o.j., and cranberry juice) and snorted percs and had a fun night all around except when it got time to go to bed and he was too drunk to leave so I let him sleep in my bed with me but fell asleep super early so he wouldn't try anything and he didn't because he is a very nice boy. He kissed my cheek when he left this morning.
I start my new job today officially. I've been training the last couple of days at a bar/grille as a server and today is the day I will make money. I hope I make a lot of money because I am flying out to San Francisco on May 19th and then Jenn, Mitch, Dave the Barbarian and I will be driving back to Pennsylvania and I will need lots of money for that. Plus I have to pay for a new driver's license and my registration as well as a very expensive speeding ticket AND my bills for the next three months. Oh god. I'll never be able to do all of that in a month.
My friend Jon is coming to visit me on Tuesday from North Carolina. Last time he came here (which was a couple of weeks ago) we left huge hickies on each other by accident and then I had to go to school and he had to go to back to his Army stuff and it was embarrassing but really funny. We are just friends but we like to make out with each other. He doesn't slobber all over my face and I am glad for that. There is nothing worse than a bad kisser.
Alright, time to end this poorly written rambling..I have to go to work! Wish me luck.

take what you want from me; you deserve it all.

Josh tortures me. He's the reason that things couldn't work out with my ex-boyfriend. (whom I got back together with a month or so after Josh stopped talking to me the first time.) Matt and I were doing fine; we were getting along; we were happy. And then one night I'm drinking wine with Carla, and out of nowhere I get a "hey baby, I miss you." And I was drunk so I called him and told him how he hurt me by ignoring me and he used me and I felt so helpless and sad and he told me "I'm so sorry I was falling for you and it scared me blahblahblah." And then I was a jackass, and started talking to him again. (I didn't do anything or even see him while I was with Matt, but I shouldn't have been talking to him.) And then right before spring break, he stopped responding to me. So I went home and Matt and I broke up again and I made out with this kid who had a girlfriend and he was sad and I wasn't sad at all. To be fair I tried to stop him. I even told him not to play with fire. HA! If only I could take my own advice.
So I start to get over Josh after not hearing from him for a couple of weeks, and then a few days ago he starts texting me again. And I don't care what he's done to me; I don't care that he only calls me when he wants to fuck me; I don't care that I'm here for him so much and he's never there for me at all. It doesn't bother me that all he ever wants to talk about is sex and that all he ever wants to do is fuck and that he's not over his ex girlfriend and that I don't know anything about his life. And who cares if he didn't even stop by my 20th birthday party even though I begged him and told him how important it was to me and that I was getting dressed up for him or that for the last few nights he's been telling me all of the sexual things he wants to do to me and he wants me to do to him and when he asked me if I would give him head, all I said back was "as long as you let me sleep next to you" because he renders me so fucking pathetically weak and emotionally drained that I would rather have him use me than nothing at all.
And I guess it might get under my skin a little bit that I watched my best friend Jenn go through the exact same thing with my other best friend Mike after he broke up with my OTHER best friend Katie but was never over her and then constantly hurt and used Jenn and I HATED him for it and Jenn wasn't herself at all and was so timid around Mike and never said anything silly in front of him because he might think that it's stupid and god forbid that someone says something stupid every once in awhile.
And now I am the same way and I don't talk in front of Josh unless it's to say something that I know he will want to hear and when I leave his house in the morning I feel so paranoid that I'll never see him again because he'll tire of me and then I'm a nervous wreck until he texts me again but most of the time he doesn't and then I turn into a psycho and worry and I plead him not to use me and I beg him to let me go if he doesn't care about me but then he tells me he does care about me and that I'm beautiful and gorgeous and amazing and wonderful and then I feel better until the next day when I don't hear from him at all.
But what really does upset me is that I know he understands what he's doing and he enjoys manipulating what he is completely aware of to be my extremely vulnerable emotional state and he is so incredibly self involved that he doesn't mind bringing out this awful psychotic side in me as long as he gets to fuck me. It breaks my petty fucking heart that he could not care less that he is hurting me--torturing me every single day.
And now I just know that there is something wrong with me because why wouldn't he like me? How can we not be on the same page. He lies and lies and I'm falling in love but I'm just his toy-his stupid fucking game. I'm no better than his fucking whore. But goddamn he stopped texting me last night abruptly and I haven't heard anything today and I think he's done with me again and this is
so fuck
ing pathetic
and i hate that i'm doing
this to
myself
and that he doesn't
care i just want him to care that's all i want.


AND I'M NOT USUALLY LIKE THIS I SWEAR!!

goddamn. i need a fucking drink.

sad eyed lady of the lowlands.

i am very sad right now. i would really like to cry, and i have the knot in my stomach/throat and everything, but i just can't do it. i even tried to make myself break down. i guess it's just very internal. i'm sure things will get a lot worse soon. i feel like my entire life is unraveling. i have become extremely promiscuous, and while i'm taking necessary precautions, it does not feel good to know that you're behaving like a total whore. sometimes i fuck guys, and i honestly feel as though i could be completely content with never exchanging another word with them for the rest of my life. i actually feel that way about most people--even people i was once very close with. i have felt an extreme desparation for complete isolation. but i know that would just drive me even crazier than i already feel. crazy and desparate. so
f uck
ing desparate.

i got really scared yesterday, and it was over something completely pathetic. that kid that i mentioned in the entry before this one, the one that i like, didn't call me or text me or anything yesterday. this normally wouldn't upset me or offend me in the least, but considering that we'd been talking every day for the last few weeks regularly, i assumed the worst. it turned out that everything is fine, and we're going to hang out tomorrow, but i just felt so fucking stupid for sleeping with him. i still do. i texted him and told him that i don't want him to not take me seriously because of what we did and because i actually like him, and he told me that he takes me very seriously and thinks that i am wonderful. he always gives me the nicest compliments. they don't seem contrived at all, and i like that.
the friend that josh [the one that i like] reminds me of is the friend that i wrote about awhile ago. the one that was involved in that crazy love triangle. i talked to him today and i came very close to telling him about how much josh reminds me of him. but i didn't because this one thing happened and i thought that it would be weird.
this is the thing that happened.
once my friend and i were on drugs.

and i told him that i compare every other guy to him.

and he told me that he knew that already.

and it was fine...

because it was just a fact and

we both knew it.

[he told me later that it was the best compliment he'd ever gotten.]

but i guess it's pretty obvious why i can't tell him how much josh reminds me of him. i don't want him to assume that i still like him and i am just using josh because he's as close as i can get to my friend. this seems pretty impossible to follow, so i'll stop.

but anyways. i really really really need a new fucking job. when i walk into work, especially when i'm high, i just look at everyone running around and cursing and bitching and freaking out and not really doing anything at all, and i am reminded of wild beasts running rampant. particularly baboons. or gorillas. they're all so fucking insane. working at that restaurant makes me a very bad person.

i am so lonely right now. i keep calling matt because i want him to make me feel good about myself, because i know he loves me. he's not answering his phone right now, but if i call him repeatedly he will. actually, i am periodically calling him as i type this. i will try again right now.

he didn't answer.

your friends, they come. [& the lines, they go by.]

i thought that my more than perfect visit home would delay my inevitably returning depression for a couple of weeks, at least, but i was unfortunately mistaken. jenn and i were talking about how sometimes, it feels good to be depressed. of course, we were drunk and sloppy and happy, and you can't even really remember what it feels like to be sad when you're in that sort of state. anyways, here's what i did over break with little or no punctuation:
the first night that i got home i hung out with my mom and my sisters and then i went to katie's house and got a lot drunk with katie and jenn and then we went to the ta and got some food and then we went back to katie's house and jenn and me slept in the dungeon and then the next day jenn and i hung out and went on a search for weed and went on a burn run and listened to cool music and drove an hour to denny's to get coffee and snacks and then i went home and the next day i took my little sisters to the shopping mall and out to eat and i yelled at a boy that was mean to my sister and it felt so fucking good to put that little prick in his place. and then i hung out with jenn again that night and i slept on her couch and we ate delicious snacks and watched the animal planet and mtv. in the morning we watched mtv again and saw an awkward girl named mary get MADE into a cheerleader. she said, "dad, you're embarrassing me in front of the cheerleaders!" then we went to the woods with jenn's dog jack and i set a bail of hay on fire so we ran away and then we got lost in the woods for several hours and it was dark and cold and we got all wet. then we finally found our way out of the woods using super sonic sweet skills and then i dropped jenn off and went to my house and watched gremlins. the next day jenn and i went to my ex-boyfriend's parents tattoo shop and got sweet lion tattoos together. then jenn took me out to dinner for christmas and then we smoked weed and then we went back to jenn's house and slept on her couch. then the next day my mom and i did some things like go out to eat and she bought me contacts as a christmas present because i was all out. then i went to hang out with jenn and we smoked weed and went to eppinger's and played some sweet tunes on the jukebox. the next day i went to church with my family and that was weird because i don't believe in god anymore but it made my mom happy that i went. then i went and saw my great grandma and then i went and saw my other grandma and then i went and picked up jenn and we went to edinboro and drank beers with dave the barbarian and then the next day we went back to grove city and picked up ed and went to berwick to celebrate new years at jenn's boyfriend mitch's house. there were eight people there, maybe a couple more and there were seven cases of beer and lots of liquor and champagne and by five am there was nothing left because we drank all of it. i also tried cola on new years with dominick and i thought it was lame and a waste of money even though i didn't have to pay for it because dominick did. dominick and me made out and things because it was new years after all. then the next day we all felt really shitty so we ate bagels and then jenn and me came back to my house and drank beer and watched kill bill and drank lots of tequila and had some boys over and decided to be warriors like uma thurman. we also spit on doing something super sweet this summer after bonnaroo involving the desert and a bar and cowboy dan and dancing and a video camera. the next day jenn and me watched the devil's rejects and it was so so so lame and we hated it and then i took jenn to meet her boyfriend mitch in allentown.

alright, i typed all of that in about 10 minutes, so cut a busy girl some slack. after i took jenn back to mitch, i hung out with this boy that i met. we watched television and kissed each other and had crazy shower sex and cuddled. he was really nice to me and he told me i am beautiful a lot. i think that he means it too. i like him a whole lot. he reminds me of someone else i know that i liked a whole lot. in fact, he reminds me of this other person so fucking much that it's unnerving. it's probably not a good thing, but i'm not very smart.
i went to see "i'm not here" with him last night. that bob dylan movie. it was really great. i came home and started downloading a shit load of bob dylan that i don't have, and i will be very excited when it's done.

christmas was kind of lame. i mean, it was very nice to see my family. i guess it wasn't lame. i'm just very glad that it's over.