take what you want from me; you deserve it all.

Josh tortures me. He's the reason that things couldn't work out with my ex-boyfriend. (whom I got back together with a month or so after Josh stopped talking to me the first time.) Matt and I were doing fine; we were getting along; we were happy. And then one night I'm drinking wine with Carla, and out of nowhere I get a "hey baby, I miss you." And I was drunk so I called him and told him how he hurt me by ignoring me and he used me and I felt so helpless and sad and he told me "I'm so sorry I was falling for you and it scared me blahblahblah." And then I was a jackass, and started talking to him again. (I didn't do anything or even see him while I was with Matt, but I shouldn't have been talking to him.) And then right before spring break, he stopped responding to me. So I went home and Matt and I broke up again and I made out with this kid who had a girlfriend and he was sad and I wasn't sad at all. To be fair I tried to stop him. I even told him not to play with fire. HA! If only I could take my own advice.
So I start to get over Josh after not hearing from him for a couple of weeks, and then a few days ago he starts texting me again. And I don't care what he's done to me; I don't care that he only calls me when he wants to fuck me; I don't care that I'm here for him so much and he's never there for me at all. It doesn't bother me that all he ever wants to talk about is sex and that all he ever wants to do is fuck and that he's not over his ex girlfriend and that I don't know anything about his life. And who cares if he didn't even stop by my 20th birthday party even though I begged him and told him how important it was to me and that I was getting dressed up for him or that for the last few nights he's been telling me all of the sexual things he wants to do to me and he wants me to do to him and when he asked me if I would give him head, all I said back was "as long as you let me sleep next to you" because he renders me so fucking pathetically weak and emotionally drained that I would rather have him use me than nothing at all.
And I guess it might get under my skin a little bit that I watched my best friend Jenn go through the exact same thing with my other best friend Mike after he broke up with my OTHER best friend Katie but was never over her and then constantly hurt and used Jenn and I HATED him for it and Jenn wasn't herself at all and was so timid around Mike and never said anything silly in front of him because he might think that it's stupid and god forbid that someone says something stupid every once in awhile.
And now I am the same way and I don't talk in front of Josh unless it's to say something that I know he will want to hear and when I leave his house in the morning I feel so paranoid that I'll never see him again because he'll tire of me and then I'm a nervous wreck until he texts me again but most of the time he doesn't and then I turn into a psycho and worry and I plead him not to use me and I beg him to let me go if he doesn't care about me but then he tells me he does care about me and that I'm beautiful and gorgeous and amazing and wonderful and then I feel better until the next day when I don't hear from him at all.
But what really does upset me is that I know he understands what he's doing and he enjoys manipulating what he is completely aware of to be my extremely vulnerable emotional state and he is so incredibly self involved that he doesn't mind bringing out this awful psychotic side in me as long as he gets to fuck me. It breaks my petty fucking heart that he could not care less that he is hurting me--torturing me every single day.
And now I just know that there is something wrong with me because why wouldn't he like me? How can we not be on the same page. He lies and lies and I'm falling in love but I'm just his toy-his stupid fucking game. I'm no better than his fucking whore. But goddamn he stopped texting me last night abruptly and I haven't heard anything today and I think he's done with me again and this is
so fuck
ing pathetic
and i hate that i'm doing
this to
myself
and that he doesn't
care i just want him to care that's all i want.


AND I'M NOT USUALLY LIKE THIS I SWEAR!!

goddamn. i need a fucking drink.