& i shall not scream, but i'd rather not be seen.

i honestly hate christmas. i have recently spent way more money than i can afford to spend, and i am extremely pissed off about it. i hate my job more than anything, and all i want to do is be there enough to pay my bills and have money for green and beer. that's all. i would say that's pretty reasonable.
i've been very miserable lately. my new bff from work has been coming over and hanging out, and that makes me kind of happy i think. she's the only girl that i have really and truly been able to relate to since moving to this land of degenerates. we had a party the other night, and that was fun. actually, nora (my new bff) came over to watch dexter, and when we walked in the door, it was a fucking circus as my roommate had decided to invite everyone and their mother over without telling me. nora and i went with it and took a bunch of shots of jose and drank a bunch of yuengling and smoked a lot of herb. everyone else was throwing up everywhere, so nora and me and two wasted but coherant guys that we work with hung out in my room and listened to music. i couldn't sleep, so i didn't. it was alright.
oh. i'm a homewrecker now. did i write about getting with that kid that has had a crush on me for like, two years? i don't remember. wait, i think i did. anyways, everyone found out about that and now i'm some kind of big homewrecker at work. it's kind of funny, all of his friends still work there and he doesn't, but they're still cool with me. i don't think they like the girlfriend.
and then i hung out with this kid that i met off of craigslist. lmao. that was. . .
i'm done talking about it.
matt came over last night and gave me a couple of beautiful gifts. it was nice to have him laying next to me. i miss him.

i'm so lonely.

i think i'm going to a party with him tonight. it will be awkward. his friends hate me for breaking his heart. i hate me for breaking his heart.

he doesn't know the greatness he is.

i am not looking forward to the day he realizes he can do better.

you, you're a history in rust.

yo yo yo. i have just figured out something really important about myself. get ready for this.
i fucking love the movie pulp fiction. love it, love it, FUCKING love it. and the reason why is because....i am fucking uma thurman's character in that movie. for real. she's so calm and collected but obviously fucked up. and i fucking love her, and i love myself, and goddamn am i fucking amazing. lmao. i just got done smoking weed with my neighbor.

so
my
apologies.

anyways. what did i do today? i kind of feel like writing about my day is not even relevant to why i keep this blog. i'm not really sure why i do it, but the whole "dear diary" format is really not it.

anyways again. so today. i woke up extraordinarily late, got a shower and ready for my day, and decided that i didn't fucking feel like running errands that aren't that important for hours on end. so i just burnt more cds instead. and then my dad came and picked me up, and took me to the mall so he could buy me lots of fancy new clothes. and then i came home, and smoked a j with my neighbor. and that's it. that is my whole day. i don't really feel regret that i can literally summarize my entire day, without leaving anything out, in less than a paragraph. is that bad? i don't fucking know, but i feel pretty damn good. i also got to watch pulp fiction. and now i'm listening to do make say think.
nothing can go wrong.
is it possible that i'm dealing wonderfully with being alone?
.
.
.
.
fuck. i ruined it. why did i have to remind myself that i am sitting in this big, beautiful house with nothing but my computer and my tv for entertainment.
and now i'm back down.
fuck.
fuckkfuck.
i'm not happy.


i will never be truly, completely, and honestly happy.


no one wi ll l.

this strange plan is random at best.

I am high as shit right now. I spent a good majority of my day pirating CDs and now I am enjoying a bowl of pasta, a cigarette, and one of the fucking coolest Built to Spill songs ever. Tree is being delivered to my doorstep, and I have tomorrow off. The only thing keeping Jack Daniels and I apart is this treachorous problem I have developed with my esophogus-presumeably from all of the other visits with Jack Daniels over the last couple of days. Fuck. I'm done school; what else is there for me to do but drink? I drink by myself, I drink with my only friend who is a female in this area, I drink with Jamie, I drink with random people I barely know.
Take last night, for example. This kid that I used to work with who has been obsessed with me for over a year texted me last night. He has a girlfriend, yet he continuously does what he can to seduce me, via text messages or AIM. His attempts usually go ignored, but last night I was bored as shit, sitting alone in my apartment, getting extremely freaked out about the wind. So, I told him to come get me. And he took me to this other kid's apartment, and we smoked and drank, and they both hit on me the whole time. The friend even asked me my sign, if that is even believable. Then he made us watch this fucking awful, creepy Japanese movie called Ichi. Then he came back to my house and we watched Biodome and made out, and all I wanted was for him to leave and for me to be alone in my bed. He just texted me this second, actually.
I'm starting to really like my upstairs housemate. Only not really. I don't know what my problem is.
I actually have to go get my tree.
I think I'll update shortly.

all your friends & sedatives mean well but make it worse.

I have somehow managed to brainwash myself into feeling as though almost every person that I engage in conversation with or hang out with is corny. An appropriate summary of what makes a person corny in my eyes is as follows:

adj. one who constantly says what he perceives to be smart, witty, or humorous. one who constantly tries to live up to a particular kind of "cool." a self-proclaimed "anti-hero" or "rebel." someone who pretends to love art and constantly references cliche musicians and modern artists. extreme sarcasm.

This could potentially go on for awhile, but I'll spare my loyal readers that much. (I don't have loyal readers.) In any case, to reference one of my earlier entries, corny people and people who are not real are either the same thing, or will eventually be the same thing. All of the corny college kids will turn into desk job clones and make corny office jokes about coffee and shit. But in any case, there was a reason for my decision to make this actualization into a journal entry.

Since I feel as though everyone is lame or fake or whatever, I am having extreme difficulty letting myself get attracted to a guy in any way, shape, or form. I've hung out with like, three dudes since last posting, and the first one was just such a fucking pretentious douchebag I drank myself into oblivion. The second one is super good looking and pretty smart, and I thought that he would be cool to hang out with, but he turned out to be a "hipster" pseudo-frat boy fucktard. I cannot feel as though a conversation is productive if it is punctuated with "right on," and "no doubt," and "fo' sho;" and for the record-dudes, if you're ever trying to like, get with a chick, do not call her "homie." It is an automatic deal breaker, and if it is not, the girl in question has no pride, and that's that.
Oh. And the third dude. This one's actually not bad, but the thing is, I like his brother a lot more. I've never found myself in a predicament like this before and it's slightly unnerving. In my defense, I saw the brother every day on the way to one of my classes, and I was interested in him right off the bat because of the look he has and his demeanor. Then one day, I start talking to this kid from one of my classes, and we went to his house to smoke one day afterwards, and lo and behold, imagine my surprise when my little "love interest" was sitting on the couch, and he was introduced to me as the brother.
But then the one I'm not so interested came over to study for our final last night, and we ended up making out etc., and I just wasn't feeling it as much as I may have hoped. It's an unfortunate thing when you can't even pretend to find some one desirable enough to kiss without feeling awkward. And he's a perfectly decent dude, apart from his occasional corny joke. But whatever. It's the whole comparison thing. I would love to hang out with the brother, and there is no way I can respectfully do that, especially after "hooking up" with the other one.

Oh yeah. I've become addicted to percosets. Kind of. I mean, I'm not at the stage where I'm freaking out and spending all of my money and dicking over my friends, but I definitely enjoy taking them when I can. So far, I have taken them continuously, all day, for about 5 days. I was incredibly fucked up at school and work on Monday. They don't make me happy; just a little bit sad. But I usually feel a lot sad, so I'll take it. They also make me really anxious to leave wherever I'm at and go to my room to listen to sweet instrumental bands and draw pictures. One day I will get my life together. I wonder what stage drug addicts fall under on Maslow's Hierarchy?

I've fucked up in school pretty bad this semester. I mean, I'm pretty sure I have a C average, but that is outrageous for me. I have been on the Dean's List every semester since Jan. 2006, and a C average is just not acceptable. My dad is being really good about it though, so that's all that really matters to me.
I HAVE TO GO TO WORK!
bye.