And everytime my telephone rings, well I'll be damned.

I did what I had to do and ended things with Josh. Jenn told me to just completely stop talking to him, and that's what I intended but unfortunately he started IMing me when I was drunk. I was going to give him one more chance because he promised to "make it up to me" that he missed my birthday party, and I was going to let him. He asked me if he could come over to my house on Friday night to have a glass of wine before he had to go home to Lancaster (which I think is complete bullshit) and I told him that he could. He's never been to my house before; I would always go to him. So we were talking and he sends me some link called "indie-sex..." and said "isn't that hot?" and I didn't click on it because I wanted him to come over because he wanted to see me and not because he wanted to fuck me and I knew where it was going if he was sending me links to porn. So I didn't say anything and he didn't say anything for about 20 minutes so I asked him if he was coming over and he said "I don't know, I'll probably fall asleep." So I just started going crazy on him and I told him what he does to me and how crazy he makes me and how manipulative he is and he said that he's not using me and he just doesn't know how to prove it and so I said "then come over here and tell me!" and he said he couldn't and that he didn't know what he was doing to me and I said "bullshit" and that was it. It's over now. I'm sad about it.
Yesterday, my neighbor Billy who has a dog named Lucy came to my house to tell me that whatever I was listening to last night around 11:00 p.m. was really amazing and he needed to know what it was. (Beirut.) Then I showed him my Modest Mouse/Built to Spill music DVDs and he really liked them and he told me that I talk like I'm writing a diary. Billy is 52 years old but he seems like he is in his early to mid thirties. We are friends now and I love his dog Lucy so much.
Liam came over last night and I feel very bad for him because he is in love with me (he told me so) and I just think of him as a friend and I take extra special care not to lead him on but I don't think it's working. We had fun regardless, though, and I made delicious drinks (sprite, malibu, calico jack, o.j., and cranberry juice) and snorted percs and had a fun night all around except when it got time to go to bed and he was too drunk to leave so I let him sleep in my bed with me but fell asleep super early so he wouldn't try anything and he didn't because he is a very nice boy. He kissed my cheek when he left this morning.
I start my new job today officially. I've been training the last couple of days at a bar/grille as a server and today is the day I will make money. I hope I make a lot of money because I am flying out to San Francisco on May 19th and then Jenn, Mitch, Dave the Barbarian and I will be driving back to Pennsylvania and I will need lots of money for that. Plus I have to pay for a new driver's license and my registration as well as a very expensive speeding ticket AND my bills for the next three months. Oh god. I'll never be able to do all of that in a month.
My friend Jon is coming to visit me on Tuesday from North Carolina. Last time he came here (which was a couple of weeks ago) we left huge hickies on each other by accident and then I had to go to school and he had to go to back to his Army stuff and it was embarrassing but really funny. We are just friends but we like to make out with each other. He doesn't slobber all over my face and I am glad for that. There is nothing worse than a bad kisser.
Alright, time to end this poorly written rambling..I have to go to work! Wish me luck.

take what you want from me; you deserve it all.

Josh tortures me. He's the reason that things couldn't work out with my ex-boyfriend. (whom I got back together with a month or so after Josh stopped talking to me the first time.) Matt and I were doing fine; we were getting along; we were happy. And then one night I'm drinking wine with Carla, and out of nowhere I get a "hey baby, I miss you." And I was drunk so I called him and told him how he hurt me by ignoring me and he used me and I felt so helpless and sad and he told me "I'm so sorry I was falling for you and it scared me blahblahblah." And then I was a jackass, and started talking to him again. (I didn't do anything or even see him while I was with Matt, but I shouldn't have been talking to him.) And then right before spring break, he stopped responding to me. So I went home and Matt and I broke up again and I made out with this kid who had a girlfriend and he was sad and I wasn't sad at all. To be fair I tried to stop him. I even told him not to play with fire. HA! If only I could take my own advice.
So I start to get over Josh after not hearing from him for a couple of weeks, and then a few days ago he starts texting me again. And I don't care what he's done to me; I don't care that he only calls me when he wants to fuck me; I don't care that I'm here for him so much and he's never there for me at all. It doesn't bother me that all he ever wants to talk about is sex and that all he ever wants to do is fuck and that he's not over his ex girlfriend and that I don't know anything about his life. And who cares if he didn't even stop by my 20th birthday party even though I begged him and told him how important it was to me and that I was getting dressed up for him or that for the last few nights he's been telling me all of the sexual things he wants to do to me and he wants me to do to him and when he asked me if I would give him head, all I said back was "as long as you let me sleep next to you" because he renders me so fucking pathetically weak and emotionally drained that I would rather have him use me than nothing at all.
And I guess it might get under my skin a little bit that I watched my best friend Jenn go through the exact same thing with my other best friend Mike after he broke up with my OTHER best friend Katie but was never over her and then constantly hurt and used Jenn and I HATED him for it and Jenn wasn't herself at all and was so timid around Mike and never said anything silly in front of him because he might think that it's stupid and god forbid that someone says something stupid every once in awhile.
And now I am the same way and I don't talk in front of Josh unless it's to say something that I know he will want to hear and when I leave his house in the morning I feel so paranoid that I'll never see him again because he'll tire of me and then I'm a nervous wreck until he texts me again but most of the time he doesn't and then I turn into a psycho and worry and I plead him not to use me and I beg him to let me go if he doesn't care about me but then he tells me he does care about me and that I'm beautiful and gorgeous and amazing and wonderful and then I feel better until the next day when I don't hear from him at all.
But what really does upset me is that I know he understands what he's doing and he enjoys manipulating what he is completely aware of to be my extremely vulnerable emotional state and he is so incredibly self involved that he doesn't mind bringing out this awful psychotic side in me as long as he gets to fuck me. It breaks my petty fucking heart that he could not care less that he is hurting me--torturing me every single day.
And now I just know that there is something wrong with me because why wouldn't he like me? How can we not be on the same page. He lies and lies and I'm falling in love but I'm just his toy-his stupid fucking game. I'm no better than his fucking whore. But goddamn he stopped texting me last night abruptly and I haven't heard anything today and I think he's done with me again and this is
so fuck
ing pathetic
and i hate that i'm doing
this to
myself
and that he doesn't
care i just want him to care that's all i want.


AND I'M NOT USUALLY LIKE THIS I SWEAR!!

goddamn. i need a fucking drink.