sad eyed lady of the lowlands.

i am very sad right now. i would really like to cry, and i have the knot in my stomach/throat and everything, but i just can't do it. i even tried to make myself break down. i guess it's just very internal. i'm sure things will get a lot worse soon. i feel like my entire life is unraveling. i have become extremely promiscuous, and while i'm taking necessary precautions, it does not feel good to know that you're behaving like a total whore. sometimes i fuck guys, and i honestly feel as though i could be completely content with never exchanging another word with them for the rest of my life. i actually feel that way about most people--even people i was once very close with. i have felt an extreme desparation for complete isolation. but i know that would just drive me even crazier than i already feel. crazy and desparate. so
f uck
ing desparate.

i got really scared yesterday, and it was over something completely pathetic. that kid that i mentioned in the entry before this one, the one that i like, didn't call me or text me or anything yesterday. this normally wouldn't upset me or offend me in the least, but considering that we'd been talking every day for the last few weeks regularly, i assumed the worst. it turned out that everything is fine, and we're going to hang out tomorrow, but i just felt so fucking stupid for sleeping with him. i still do. i texted him and told him that i don't want him to not take me seriously because of what we did and because i actually like him, and he told me that he takes me very seriously and thinks that i am wonderful. he always gives me the nicest compliments. they don't seem contrived at all, and i like that.
the friend that josh [the one that i like] reminds me of is the friend that i wrote about awhile ago. the one that was involved in that crazy love triangle. i talked to him today and i came very close to telling him about how much josh reminds me of him. but i didn't because this one thing happened and i thought that it would be weird.
this is the thing that happened.
once my friend and i were on drugs.

and i told him that i compare every other guy to him.

and he told me that he knew that already.

and it was fine...

because it was just a fact and

we both knew it.

[he told me later that it was the best compliment he'd ever gotten.]

but i guess it's pretty obvious why i can't tell him how much josh reminds me of him. i don't want him to assume that i still like him and i am just using josh because he's as close as i can get to my friend. this seems pretty impossible to follow, so i'll stop.

but anyways. i really really really need a new fucking job. when i walk into work, especially when i'm high, i just look at everyone running around and cursing and bitching and freaking out and not really doing anything at all, and i am reminded of wild beasts running rampant. particularly baboons. or gorillas. they're all so fucking insane. working at that restaurant makes me a very bad person.

i am so lonely right now. i keep calling matt because i want him to make me feel good about myself, because i know he loves me. he's not answering his phone right now, but if i call him repeatedly he will. actually, i am periodically calling him as i type this. i will try again right now.

he didn't answer.